Prior to the 2000 election, I used to tell people that all I wanted was a two-party system. More often than not, they’d look at me and say, “But there’s the Republicans and the Democrats.”

And I would respond, “Exactly.”

Then the Great Uniter got elected, and George W. “Mr. Bipartisan” Bush led a team of… we’ll call them people, who generated a divide that rivaled the Marianas Trench. At first, it looked like the typical divide between the Grand Old Party and the Democrats. Then it was a divide between the GOP and “them” – specifically anyone who disagreed with them, publicly branded as unpatriotic on a good day to a motherfucking terrorist with a vial of nuclear anthrax wedged up their ass at a gay orgy on a bad day.

It was “my way or the highway,” as the guy who swore to bring everyone in government back together drove a wedge between the White House and every disagreeable government, then every agreeable government, then it’s own government, and through it all – the American people.

I predicted – and history backed me up – that this hubris, blatant strong-arming and division can’t endure more than six years without a backlash.

So, the Democrats got back into the game.

However, the Democrats didn’t win by virtue of uniting under one banner against the other team. They did, but not so much. They didn’t win so much as the other team lost.

While the president of the Evangelical whathaveyou was outed as a meth-addicted purveyor of male prostitutes, it was announced weeks before the election that W. (he’s the Great Uniter, by the way) used the Christian Right – his “base” – for their money and their vote and didn’t care what they wanted from the White House.

After the fallout, the Republicans turned on each other. John McCain, previously seen as the next natural Republican Presidential candidate, can’t get support from the staunch right wing of his own party, because he’s not a staunch right wing kinda guy, but he can’t get a grip on the general moderate of any party, because (among other things) he gives speeches to Christian fundamentalist right-wing groups.

But here’s where it turns weird.

Yesterday, the House Democrats broke with their incoming Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, and elected Rep. Steny H. Hoyer to be House majority leader. Hoyer got 63 more votes than Pelosi’s choice Murtha.

It gets better. Everyone, especially Pelosi and Murtha, thought it would be a real horse race. Pelosi was making the hard calls, and they were pledging their votes for Murtha. But, somewhere in the mix, about 60 Democrats lied to their new, vaunted Speaker. It was the first real political action the first female House leader made. And she tanked.

All week, Democrats have been pointing fingers at each other, like they lost the election (again). I won’t even get into who’s blaming who, but it’s a bunch of crap about who takes credit for winning, and who gets blamed for not winning enough. From the average American Joe’s perspective, this looks like high school locker drama bullshit. And to an extent it is. It’s the kind of behavior that makes you shake your head and silently whisper to yourself, “Can’t you fucking assholes get along and actually accomplish something, like balance the goddamn checkbook or something?”

However, I don’t see it that way. I want this division. I want this angst and disagreement, and I’ll tell you what turned the table for me:

According to today’s Slate:

[T]his whole conflict "sent a clear signal of what kind of leader [Pelosi] is: an old-style politician who puts a premium on personal loyalty, even at the risk of high-profile defeat."

James Moran of Virginia, didn't seem to get over his bitterness and said "there are a number of members who can't be trusted," as a reference to those who had pledged to elect Murtha but changed their vote. Apparently he didn't receive the reconciliation memo, because he went on to say those who voted against Murtha "will be damaged by this," reports the Washington Post.

Hrm. A premium on personal loyalty. A join us or perish philosophy. Obvious overtures of deception, backstabbing and division whose only pronounced solution is punishing “them”. Okay, sure it sounds like an episode of the Sopranos. But it also reminds me of the Republican party for the last six years, except the Republican party folded into this philosophy. They bought into the bullying, and the reward was six years of strong-arming their policies into effect.

And look what it got us:

War. Torture. An astronomical amount of financial debt. Warrantless spying. Prison with no trial. No accountability. No responsibility. No planning. No oversight. Ruthless neglect. And the conversion of the US Government into an even greater bureaucracy. This is the closest our government has ever come to the term “Orwellian.”

And this is from the party that wants to reduce government and spend less money. Imagine what a party like the Democrats would do if they had free reign and could bully everyone they wanted to for a change.

It’d be a disaster. And we’d have a one party system. Again.

But instead, there is open disagreement on both fronts. Hell, there’s more than two fronts. You could probably divide each Party into three factions. That’s six little groups of disagreeing bastards. The black and white is turning into shades of gray. And this, folks – this is how third parties get invented. When enough people, perhaps like Leiberman or McCain – set themselves apart and push away from both tables. And whether that third party forms a party, or just forms a coalition of issues, that’s historically when things get done. Things don’t happen in one party, because, when one group dominates, all they have to do is stay in power. They don’t have to actually accomplish anything. But when no one can dominate, then everyone has to perform.

Traditionally, third parties dissolve quickly in American history. But their causes, their issues, and their people carry on and alter the course of government. We’ve seen what six years of a single party government can accomplish. I hope the Democrats take the gloves off and start killing each other. And the Republicans should too – they got nothing to lose. Then, maybe, we’ll actually get a government of people that have to work for a living.

Okay kids, I only have about 5 minutes of fun left in fluorescent light land, but I think we've all earned our links this week, and some of these need to be checked out now, lest I miss any timely fun. So here it is, the quick links:

LAST WEEKEND


Politics

Yeah, I'm sick of the fucking elections too, but just in case you forgot why certain people were such a bunch of twunts:
A blueprint for Iraqi regime change... interesting, since it was drawn up before the Great Uniter even got elected President in the first place, let alone all that 9/11 stuff.
Fun with voting has already begun! Hoo-doggeys. Sadly, this is like the first in a 29 part series of various articles that I've come across, and I already lost hope in linking all of them after the first.
And to sweeten the deal, watch Stephen Colbert take a chunk out of Rush Limbaugh's arrogant ass. Hoo Lard!

Best Toys Ever
You have no idea how tempted I am to make one of these.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Halloween's over. But y'know, I just don't see why this should be strictly related to Halloween (make sure you watch the video). I say replace those ridiculous statues of little negro men holding lamps on your front lawn and make a birdbath out of this. Or better yet, get a bunch of Bush/Cheney shirts and line up about 2,000 of these along the sidewalk of whereever the President's limo drives. There's some fun protest action.

Fun with Media
A bunch of pictures. That's it. They're amusing.
STICKY BALLS! That would be my favorite worst video game title ever. Check out 49 others just like it!
And... drumroll please. 2/3's of the MST3K crew are back, and you can download their take to Star Wars Episode 1. Fuck yeah! It's finally worth watching!

From today's Associated Press:

Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld stated today at a press conference from the Pentagon that the death rate for American troops in Iraq has plummeted drastically.

“105 American troops died in October. That’s a little more than three a day, or one every seven hours or so. But yesterday [November 1], the first American soldier wasn’t recorded dead until 9:30 a.m. That’s barely two a day. So, clearly at that rate, our troops will stop dying, reverse the curve and start repopulating the Middle East with good white Christian children by New Years’. So everyone can just back off and stop worrying about Iraq. It’s complicated, but it’s already improving. So the next person who asks about the ‘plan’ can just shut the fuck up.”

When asked about the consistent death rate of Iraqis, Secretary Rumsfeld said, “Look, Iraq doesn’t even count their dead, which tells me that either they aren't dying or the Iraqi government doesn’t care. And if they’re not dying and they don’t care, then why are you people pestering me with this? I just proved to you that we’re saving American lives, and you keep insisting on asking me questions about people that haven’t died that no one cares about. You people just need to back off. This is complicated. And the next person who asks me about the ‘plan’ is getting their nuts wired to a car horn, which I can legally do now, because it’s legal now, not that it wasn’t legal before.”

Go ahead. Watch it. I dare ya.
Talk about creepy. Imagine, it’s 11:30 at night, all the lights are off, except for the warm fuzzy glow from the television – a nice quiet episode of Dr. Who. And then you see THIS!

Here’s a little supplemental from the next night’s CBS news to explain a little more of what that is.

Getcher rock on.


Hey, look at the douchebag!
Ever wonder how much respect a TV reporter has for the entire nation during a storm?

Politics
45 percent of those polled blame the Bush administration “either a ‘great deal’ or a ‘moderate amount,’ for the 9/11 attacks." Blame. I recommend you stock up on your popcorn now for the midterm elections.

This has to be the best practical joke ever. Evidently George Bush has to meet with President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan to diplomatically smooth some wrinkles caused by a movie featuring Ali G creator/performer Sacha Baron Cohen. Apparently, the problem is the US has decided to not censor Baron Cohen’s movie based on his Kazakh-based character, Borat, and the Kazakhs are afraid that Borat will MAKE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY LOOK BAD. Back when Kazakhstan threatened to sue Cohen, “Borat” responded on a video saying, “I'd like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my Government's decision to sue this Jew.” This is awesome. Bush has to have diplomatically talk about shit with people that are more fickle and mentally repressed than he is.

Cool Art Stuff
This is actually a cool effort. Someone used the Half-Life 2 video game engine to create a virtual tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's "Falling Water" structure.


Dig the groovy sculpture that you can’t see in Tampa because the art museum, or what’s left of it, sucks and never shows cool stuff like this.

HTS
Yes, you too now interact with your own high-tech duckpond simulator. Swear to God.

And finally…
Behold – Pjotro!

Not a whole helluva lot of tasty stuff found this week. I even waited a day to see if anything cool came up. Maybe people are starting to worry about fillin' up the tubes. Anyway, here they be:

GET THE WORD OUT AND BUY FREAKIN' TICKETS!
We sold 96% of our opening weekend. They're probably the cheapest ticket in town. It's mindlessly fun. But our sales for this weekend our hurting, and something just tells me that we're going to turn people away final weekend, which really sucks when no one shows up this weekend. Please come or if you're not in town, spread the word to those who are. We need the help, and those who go will be glad they do. And if you haven't at least seen the commercial for it - WATCH IT.

Vote!
Best of the Bay voting ends tomorrow. Go vote for your favorite theater company now. More specifically, vote Jobsite. Seriously, it's easy. You do have to fill out like 17 votes to be eligible, but it's a lot easier than it sounds.

Politics
The Republicans "seem to be anxious to tie [the recent London Bomb plot] to al Qaeda.... If that's true, how come we got seven times as many troops in Iraq as in Afghanistan? Why have we imperiled President [Hamid] Karzai's rule and allowed the Taliban to come back into the southern part of Afghanistan? Why was Iraq deemed to be seven times more important than finding the al Qaeda leaders for the last five years?" - Bill Clinton in a tasty little interview.

Make a little contest with yourself: see how far you can get through this article before you punch or curse something. President George Derrrr Bush is apparently frustrated by the lack of Iraqi support for Americans in Iraq. He can't wrap his massive intellect around the fact that "Iraqis had not come to appreciate the sacrifices the United States had made in Iraq, and was puzzled as to how a recent anti-American rally in support of Hezbollah in Baghdad could draw such a large crowd." So... notice that he's totally content and apparently doesn't give a shit about the majority of people in his own country who don't support Derrrr. (FYI - it's a NYTimes article, so it may fall under a login-umbrella any second. Get it while the gettin's good.)

Dead?
I know it's old news by now, but it deserves to be linked. Bruno Kirby croaked Monday. I just about croaked when I head about it on NPR yesterday morning, and the NPR announcer person said Kirby was known for City Slickers 1 and 2 and When Sally Met Harry. Yes, she said "When Sally Met Harry". And she's a female. What the fuck. Why does no one remember him for playing the limo driver in Spinal Tap?

Art/Media
Here's your time killer. The National Portrait Gallery has a tres cool website displaying portrait covers for Time magazine for the last 75 years. Not only are the covers cool, but the site design rawks.

Here’s something interesting. My weekly list of links, while albeit longer than usual, is filled with cool, artistic, or groovy stuff, and not a whole helluva lot of politics. That’s a nice change. Well, it’s a whole buncha links, so I’ll get to it:

Mmmm. Original works. Sketch Comedy. Jobsite. Opening weekend.


Shopping
I’m not really sure why I like to own and display weird crap in my house that fucks with people, but it’s the only reason I want something from here.

Blog o’ the Week
Kathleen Reardon wrote a spot-on blog nailing the Bush Admin’s diplomacy and negotiation style (and lack thereof). It’s a quick read and highly recommended.

Cool Web Stuff
Ever want to know what that song is on the radio? Well, you certainly can’t depend on the DJ anymore, because there isn’t one. However, you can go here.

Rather simple, and nearly pointless, but a cool concept and a nice 3-minute timekiller.

Word on the Street
“Thirty-six percent of respondents overall said it is ‘very likely’ or ‘somewhat likely’ that federal officials either participated in the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon or took no action to stop them ‘because they wanted the United States to go to war in the Middle East.’”

Groovy Art
I can’t say anything but “cool” for this site. Check out the Bazantar.

A part of me really wants to understand how this works. But a bigger part of me just wants to look at the pretty colors. Scroll down to see the video.

Well… the artists makes really cool stuff. Out of paper. And I’m not talking origami either. Click the A4 Papercut link to start.

Drroooool
I want this. And I don’t even know what I’d use it for. Probably porn. You can probably skip the first minute of the girl who looks a lot like my first grade teacher.

Video Coolness
This is the second funniest thing I’ve seen all month. The first is Jason Evans throwing a baby at a camera, but that video is still in production. So, until then, you must watch Darth Vader Being a Smartass. And no, there's no reason the video why it's flagged as inappropriate. You could show it to a 3-year-old.

And if you’re pants are still tight and wet from that Star Wars goodness, check out the Omen-quality eerieness that was with the very first preview for Star Wars. Tres chic nostalgia goodness.

Okay, so maybe it’s just been a long, slow, dull, rusty dentist’s drill of a news week. That still doesn’t mean I need it proven for yet another week that Murphy’s Law applies to world affairs. Is being a dickhead contagious in the international community?

Several rants here, mostly because it's a bunch of stuff that no one is saying. I haven't been hated publicly in awhile, so I guess I'm due. Here we go:

( Cuba )

( Israel )

( Mel Gibson )

( Iraq )

Woo-hoo! It’s that time to dig what was on this past week’s Series of Tubes!

Politics
It’s only been a couple weeks since Bush said SHIT over a reporter’s microphone, and I still haven’t chimed in. That’s because I don’t care. However, were I to add anything, zefrank covers it quite nicely.

Because the moral high road wasn’t high enough, Rove bolstered the White House’s case against federal stem cell research by lying. Well, maybe “lying” is a bit harsh. I mean when you just make shit up, then your reality is quite clear. So here’s Rove telling it like it is (except to the rest of the world that has a fact-based reality.)

Probably the best summary and commentary on net neutrality was featured on The Daily Show. Seriously. If you want to get the five-minute low-down on net neutrality without developing narcolepsy, you can do it here.

Watch This
If you click on any link and watch a video this week, this is the one. This isn't Oliver Stone style conspiracy theory. Here is a sworn testimony from a programmer involved in voting programs and machines who explains how he was asked to write code rigging a hypothetical election. I’d love to know where this hearing happened, who was involved, and so on. Nonetheless, this is a quantum leap in exposing our new-fangled voting machines and potentially how the hell monkey-boy got elected (again!)

Fun stuff
Um, this... uh. Well, just click the link and see for yourself.

And here’s an interactive time killer of greatly useless but quasi-creative proportions.

UPDATE: I was going to wait to post this, but Kevin Smith deserves the press before Clerks II opens, so the link should be spread. Kevin Smith talked to Joel Siegel on the radio. Smith's updated his post, and you can hear the interview from his site. Click here and scroll down. Very entertaining. Totally worth a whole listen.

Back again with collected links of note from the past week.

Proof that not all politics suck
On Thursday, "a [New Hampshire] judge gave state Democrats the go-ahead Thursday to question high-ranking Republicans in a civil suit over the jamming of Democrats' phones on Election Day 2002." This is a brick in the Reps' rigged election wall, and with any luck, and it could point back to the White House. Quick thought: didn't tricky Dick get busted for wiretapping DNC rooms prior to an election. Hmmm.

And this just in. Criminal fuckwad and morally corrupt assjackyl Ralph Reed screwed the pooch in Georgia and lost the Lt. Gov. primary. The primary. The Christian Coalition whore couldn't win a Republican primary in Georgia. Guess all that Abramoff/scandal stuff isn't just a bunch of fluff that people will ignore after all.

The Decider Continues to Shock and Awe
The Great Uniter continued his shock and awe campaign at the G8 summit. First there was the weird creepy obsession with eating a pig. Then, of course, he discusses foreign policy secretly into a reporters microphone and says the word, "shit." (I can actually look past that one.) And now, he's fondling the Chancellor of Germany. Click here, and then click the Video link on the left. I think he's actually scored more points this month for being a weird creepy fucker than Kim Jong Il.

Geek Tools
For all y'all that appreciate this kind of geekiness, here's a very cool list of Google operators - apparently Google isn't just a common search engine.

General Entertainment
This poor guy. I want to laugh so badly at the great Jenga sculptor, but then I feel so bad for the poor guy who ruined it. Summary: a short video on a reporter who destroyed someone's Guinness Record effort.

As I said to maladr1n, Kevin Smith found a critic who rivals the assholery of Tampa theater critics. Definitely worth the read.

Entertaining and Geeky?! Tres Cool.
A very cool toy, with very cool design, for music junkies. Just check it out.

Here's my week's top pick of interesting stuff worth checking out on the Internets. It's all work-safe, but you might want headphones for some of it.

Funny Stuff
Turns out British radio personalities are just as juvenile and desperate as American dj's for homemade entertainment value. The difference - like most of British culture vs. American - is they actually stand a chance at being clever. Here's one of the best crank calls I've heard in a while.

I can't even think of something witty to add to this. The wit is in the picture. Just check out the link.

Thank God for Leadership
This video comparison is rather frightenizing. Evidently, our President didn't always talk like an extra from The Ringer (which, btw, wasn't nearly as wrong/funny as it promised.)

Having problems tracking down those evil Iraqi terrorists? The Dept. of Terrorism-Eradicationism and Democratization-Spreading might want to reconsider who it looks to for leadership. The Iraq chapter leader (troop 397) of al-Qaeda might not be leading much. He's in jail. Oh yeah, and he's not in Iraq either.

That's one small speck for man...
Feeling insignificant lately? Pshaw! See a visual representation of you vs. the rest of the world in this pretty graphic. Make sure you use the horizontal scrollbar to get the full picture.

Good Reads
An article about gas prices actually worth reading, if for any other reason to understand why gas prices shoot up overnight, and then take eons to come back down. Well written and a quick read.

"A perfect storm of drenching rain, irony, political rancor, public fear and — at the last minute like a fierce stroke of lightning — word from the highest court in the land, descended on the nation's capital today."

On the same day that George W. Bush said, "There's a debate over whether [global warming is] manmade or naturally caused," a hundred-year-old elm tree fell over the facade to the White House.

ABC News actually does a decent job of bitch slapping the White House.

I can't be bothered to write a real journal, so just a few random things:

For anyone who thinks 1) the apocalypse is near or 2) global warming is immediately increasing a recent spate of annihilating hurricane activity, check this out. I'm not saying global warming isn't a factor, but there's nothing to say that the impact is immediate and/or something just arising in the last few years. Check out the 150 Years of Ruin link on the top, and don't miss the links for "By Decade" (under the top links) and "Average Annual Strengths" (bottom right, below the map).

Evidently the West Wing has been looking for something a little more... moralistic and fascist. Check out the barrel of monkeys Team Bush hired for it's chief domestic policy adviser. This guy should be a real hoot for the 06 election. Good thing he wasn't around for Katrina, or domestic policy may not have been pretty.

Fun Fact - did you know the former chief domestic policy adviser "resigned after being accused of trying to fleece retail stores in a product-exchange scam?" I hate to say it, but maybe the Child President would be a little more successful if he hired good thieves, instead of the two-bit variety.

Question: what the fuck is net neutrality? I've seen a load of references in the last couple weeks, never heard of it a month ago, and I'm hearing that so-and-so is an opponent/proponent (ooooh big deal!) and will be seeking to re-write the [insert massive international/federal legislation] for/against it. I've tried looking it up, and the best conclusion I've come up with is that it's either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on whether you use the Internet to surf the web, or use the web to access the Internet.

And finally, Happy (belated) Birthday cretebunny! I would have remembered yesterday, but I'm an ass and forgot. Hope you had a swell day.

A sad, sad day indeed for comedy and political junkies around the world. The great boob, Scott McClellan, is resigning his post as White House Press Secretary. It looks like we have only the Child President and maybe the occasional attempted manslaughter by the Big Dick to rely upon for our humor brought directly from the White House.

For those who don’t know, McClellan was a special kind of Press Secretary. See, normally, the job requires the dispensing of bullshit unparalleled by any other position in the world, the kind that in any other form would mandate giant hoses, hydraulic pumps and the sorts of wind producing mechanisms used on the set of a movie about natural disasters. That’s normally. By normally, I’m talking the kind of slinging required for a Clinton or a Reagan. "Normally" is a tsunami of fucking lies.

Now add what it must take to summon the balls, the stupidity, the absurdity to lie for George W. Bush! That’s like parting a red sea full of feces! LIKE TWICE A DAY! That was Scott McClellan’s job.

But that wasn’t Scott McClellan. Scott took a unique angle. Scott made press meetings look like the Argument Room sketch from Monty Python. I mean, you really couldn’t tell if he was using the White House’s twisted faulted logic to defend itself, or if he really was that brain damaged and just kind of accidentally epitomized the mentality coming out of the West Wing. He’s like one of those skiers or ballet dancers who just made it all look so easy and effortless. If the mentally retarded were trying to be mentally retarded, Scott McClellan would be their God!

In Scott’s defense, his retirement isn’t a surprise. Even during aforementioned “normal” circumstances, a White House press secretary only has a shelf life of about 2-3 years. It’s an exhausting job, all that shoveling, and even Charles Manson would start to question his conscience after doing the job for a few months. So, don’t think this is part of the great alleged shakeup that isn’t really happening at the White House. This is par.

But it is sad. The world has lost a great spirit in American humor indeed.

At least until he gets a talk show on cable news.

Good ol' Lyndon Johnson is credited with one of the most fundamental truisms in politics, specifically when it came to disseminating bad information about opponents:
It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. Make them deny it.

Johnson knew it was the confrontation of the issue that sank people, careers, institutions... you name it. While the justice system believes you are innocent until proven guilty, public opinion doesn’t work that way. Say the same thing over and over again, and people will eventually believe it. Just ask John Kerry what people think about his military record.

Here’s where I’m going with this. According to the AP: “Court papers filed by the prosecutor in the CIA leak case against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby said Bush authorized Libby to disclose information from a classified prewar intelligence report. The court papers say Libby's boss, advised him that the president had authorized Libby to leak the information to the press in striking back at administration critic Joseph Wilson.”

That’s all fine and good, and I’m happy as hell that the prosecutor has become capable to officially file this. What’s more important, however, is if this White House can deny it and get away with it.

I’ve spent the last six years in shock and awe (that’s where all that went). I’ve watched an administration repeatedly, baldly, bluntly tell the world it was going to do whatever it wanted and get away with it. Not only has it done that, but it’s done it all really, really badly. Like redefining incompetence badly. Not only did you smoke in the non-smoking section, but you used the grease dumpster in the kitchen as an ashtray and burnt the restaurant down. And then you said you were going to go to another restaurant, because the service sucked. And everyone said, “Well, he seems so dosh-garn country-bumpkin charming that it must be bad service, because no one could be so stupid as to use a grease pit as an ashtray and blame a waiter.” But you did. And you went to another restaurant and you smoked there too. And you burnt the block down. And you just kept on accusing waiters. That’s how bad.

But no matter the arson, no matter the blatant corruption, lies, mismanagement and incompetence, he’s still there.

Anywho, my point isn’t really about the issue. My point is that in the last 12 hours, I’ve seen link after link headlining “Bush Authorized Leak.” Catch it on TV or radio, and pretty soon you’re hearing rather memorable quotes from the President in the last year or so saying how much he hates leaks and will use every power at hand to terminate anyone in his administration who does leak. It’s everywhere.

There’s a picture being painted in the collective conscious of a smoking gun in the hands of George W. Bush – a guy who will probably be the first to attest that facts are meaningless because perception defines reality.

My concern is will this administration just… keep getting away with shit at no consequence? Any other administration, any other time, it’d be the weenie shrinker of weenie shrinkers. But this isn’t any time. This is a time when record voter turnout gave a 0.000001% margin to a guy who shouldn’t have gotten the 0.000001% margin the first time. This is a time when approval ratings have hit the second lowest of all time – just above Richard Fucking Nixon – and Congress isn’t sure if he’s done anything wrong, much less done something so horrible that they would at least officially shake a finger and call him a bad boy. Besides getting a b.j. from a fat chick, what the fuck do you have to do to get fired in that city?

Have we – you, me, them, Congress, everybody – reached a point of blind apathy so complacent that it just keeps going? Will this be the test that this administration can’t pass, or will this be the test that proves Lyndon Johnson’s theory wrong?

Ever wonder what it'd be like to ask the president a question? Just one?

Well, maybe you think you'd fuck it up, what with him being the president and all, it can be a bit intimidating. So what if you could have an old vetter do it? Someone like Helen Thomas.

Well here it is.

Then again, an old vetter is too composed to get up and just slap him. You gotta wonder if she wishes they'd kick her out of the press corps again.

I can’t resist, and apparently the ABC and the AP can’t anymore either. Just a few select sections from one article.

Here’s more or less the reason the article is written, but there’s so much more.

President Bush marked the anniversary of the Iraq war Sunday by touting the efforts to build democracy there and avoiding any mention of the daily violence that rages three years after he ordered an invasion. The president didn't utter the word "war." Bush did not mention the insurgent attacks, the car bombs or the mounting Iraqi deaths in a two-minute statement to reporters outside the White House after returning from a weekend at Camp David.

Oh, and by the way, the third anniversary of the “beginning of the liberation of Iraq” is going so well, that…

The White House is trying to remind the disapproving public of Bush's vision for Iraq with a public relations blitz. The president plans to give a series of speeches on Iraq, beginning Monday in Cleveland.

Brace yourself, probably my favorite part:

On Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney did not express any regret for predicting in the days before the invasion that U.S. troops would be greeted as liberators or his assessment 10 months ago that the insurgency was in its "last throes." On the contrary, he said the optimistic statements "were basically accurate, reflect reality."

Evidently, the vice president’s doctors have added to his heart medications some of “the good shit.”

In an interview on CBS' "Face the Nation," Cheney flatly rejected a statement made earlier Sunday by Iraq's former interim prime minister that the increasing attacks killing dozens each day across his country can only be described as a civil war.

“What the fuck does he know?” Cheney asked. “He’s just some middle-management foreigner. We’re watching the last throes from the greatest surveillance satellites available. I can watch basically accurate reflecting last throes seven thousand miles away from my desk.”

Instead, Cheney described the violence as the actions of terrorists who have "reached a stage of desperation."

Translated into the reality that everyone outside the White House is using: by “terrorists,” he meant only all of the Sunnis and Shiites fighting each other. And by "desperation," he meant “uncontrollable conflict”.

"What we've seen is a serious effort by them to foment a civil war," Cheney said. "But I don't think they've been successful."

Translated again, by “foment” he meant “sow the fucking seeds for”. And by “successful” he meant, “successful of thinking of a better way to coexist with a religious conflict that defies imagination but could only be controlled by a dictator threatening to kill all of them.”

Cheney blamed the negative perception on news coverage of the daily violence instead of the progress being made toward democracy.
"There is a constant sort of perception, if you will, that's created because what's newsworthy is the car bomb in Baghdad," the vice president said. "It's not all the work that went on that day in 15 other provinces."

Yeah right? I mean, how many people remember that farmer in Nebraska who grew like that insane fucking pumpkin back in September a couple years ago? No one. Not even the local paper came out to take a photo. But try finding a newspaper from that day without some big ol’ buildings in New York City with exploding planes sticking out of them. The liberal media just focuses on the negative all the time.

Okay, I’m done with the Cheney reality translator, but two more sections I have to put in, because someone at the AP’s starting to get a little fed up: these paragraphs appeared back to back in each instance.

Rumsfeld urged Americans to continue supporting the fight and said he believes history will show that the terrorists were defeated.
In a New York Times column, retired Gen. Paul D. Eaton, who was in charge of training the Iraqi military from 2003-2004, called the defense secretary "incompetent strategically, operationally and tactically, and is far more responsible for what has happened to our important mission in Iraq. Mr. Rumsfeld must step down."

And here’s the finale:

Nearly three years ago Bush announced the end to major combat in Iraq.
Last week, U.S. forces launched Operation Swarmer, described by the Pentagon as the biggest air assault since April.

Ah, good times. Good. Fucking. Times.

Guards Say Homeland Security HQ Insecure

Once you get past the pure comic irony of all of this, can someone explain to me why the Dept. of Homeland Security is using rent-a-cops in the first place? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Homeland Security like second only to the DOD in managing muscle and… security? Why are rent-a-cops being used at any department? If the Secret Service is testing security at this (or any) dept., why aren’t they providing the security? Maybe this is a question of semantics, but doesn’t the National Guard, like, guard the nation? Is Wackenhut the best resource that can defend the HQ that defends the nation? Don't we have... like people that are specially trained for defense... y'know, like an army or something?

One more question: am I the only person who remembers the name of Homeland’s Secretary by thinking, “rhymes with jerkoff”?

From the Gainesville Sun:

After more than an hour of solemn ceremony naming Rep. Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, as the 2007-08 House speaker, Gov. Jeb Bush stepped to the podium in the House chamber last week and told a short story about "unleashing Chang," his "mystical warrior" friend.

Here are Bush's words, spoken before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians:
''Chang is a mystical warrior. Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.

''I rely on Chang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Chang, this mystical warrior, has never let me down.''

Bush then unsheathed a golden sword and gave it to Rubio as a gift.

''I'm going to bestow to you the sword of a great conservative warrior,'' he said, as the crowd roared.

When called for comment and further explanations into the mystery of this "Chang", Governor Bush was said to be unavailable. However, reports say witnesses have seen him jumping around the Governor's mansion late at night, swinging a sword and wearing only a pair of white briefs and a tie wrapped around his head. A source, who wished to not be identified, claimed Bush was "cutting the couch to shreds" and screaming for his compatriots, Chang and a hitherto unidentified person named Harvey, to join him in killing long-time archnemesis Keyser Soze.

George W. Bush made monumental news this week; news that elevated him and his role above the quagmire of tragedy. The world was amazed when the papers showed George at a podium and the headlines read “I take responsibility.” It was a moment of true presidential grace. His supporters golf-clapped, nodding approvingly that the man is doing only what a true man should by taking the helm in this fiercest of storms. His opposition got what they wanted – or were at least so stunned by this whiplash change of course that they couldn’t complain. After all, how can you disagree with the sentiment, this great, noble action?

He took responsibility.

And everyone said, “Bra-vo.”

Bullshit.

It’s all a bunch of crap. Don’t buy it.

I’ve been lying very low during this entire catastrophe. Primarily, there wasn’t much I could offer that someone else hadn’t already said or thought. Also, the political in-fighting and faux-cross-bearing was giving me a headache.

But I can’t let this go.

A few days before W. took responsibility, there was a meeting in the West Wing. This meeting had been going on for days, and no one was sleeping. Here’s a snippet of the end of that meeting:

White House Guy 1: We’re fucked. We’re so fucking fucked, it’s fucked.
White House Guy 2: Fucked isn’t the word for it. We’re terminal. We’ve shocked and awed ourselves.
Guy 1: I can’t remember a time when we’ve screwed up so badly, openly and obviously on camera.
Guy 2: It hasn’t happened since…
Guy 1: Since…
Guy 2: [a light bulb goes on] WACO!

You remember Waco. The ATF, the Bradley tanks shooting fire and rockets into a big house full of horny cultists and innocent children? Some of you might be too young to remember. This is back in the day when all the “terrorists” were white, American, and at one point Christian.

Anywho, Waco was a big stink. There was a big investigation with a climax that shocked everyone: Attorney General Janet Reno said she was accountable and took responsibility. And every person in the civilized world looked like that horse that had the heart attack in Animal House. A hush fell over the world. She took responsibility. No public official ever did that before.

And then you know what happened?

Not a goddamn thing. The damage was done. A highly public official took “responsibility”. Wasn’t that enough? Yes. Yes it was. Not only did Reno keep her job, but she went on to a successful career of blowing up cabins full of terrorists and scaring the bejesus out of children by shoving guns in their faces and inspiring Will Ferrell.

So, George Walker takes responsibility. Now he’s a hero. Now we’re going to see some changes. Right?

No.

George Walker pulled the responsibility card for the same reason Reno did – it was the last card in his hand.

Bill Maher nailed it:

“There's no more money to spend – you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.”

Here’s what this responsibility is going to get us:

• An investigation, the conclusion of which won’t be available until after the ’08 election, and all the juicy parts (read: the parts where you find out who fucked up and how badly) will be blacked out.


• Maybe the creation of a new Department, because Republicans are all about less government. It can be called the Department of Freedom Assurance. This department will tie up all the bureaucratic loose strings caused by the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, and… what the hell, the Department of the Interior, because they’re apparently not doing much and when’s the last time they caught a terrorist?


• The Secretary of Freedom Assurance will be some guy you've never heard of, unless you subscribe to Alpaca Monthly. This will work out well, because there won’t be any dirt on him, so no one will even notice his sheer lack of experience until we need a good scapegoat. He won’t even be a scapegoat, because his own incompetence will be its own indictment of his failure to do his job.


• And most importantly, we’ll get a president who cares. After all, what is responsibility if not a way of caring – unless of course you consider responsibility a duty to perform the tasks that you said you would in two oaths over the past five years to serve the country. If that’s the case, then we’re going to have a president who has just publicly said that he’s going to start doing his job. So that’s an improvement, right?

What is truly appalling is not the crisis, and it’s not how the crisis was made worse. What is truly appalling is the fact that he’s being lauded and celebrated for “taking responsibility”. Last I looked, a job is a series of tasks for which you’re responsible. Responsibility would mean not waiting a week to send in the National Guard. Responsibility would have been making sure that those buses had people in them, instead of people floating next to them, regardless if someone else wasn’t responsible for their job. Responsibility would mean not needing four visits to a disaster area beyond Biblical proportions to know what anyone with a TV in Uzbekistan knew the day after the hurricane.

You don’t start taking responsibility after everything is so fucked up that people will only acknowledge your existence to lambast you with insults and criticisms. By that point, you don’t “take responsibility.” You “find Jesus.” Of all people, George W. Bush should know that.

And he does. The question now is will the American people finally realize that? Actually, the real question is how long do you have to sledgehammer plungers into rectums before people realize you're anally violating them?

I’m glad Kerry lost, because Bush now has to deal with the tragedy he’s responsible for. Or maybe he won’t – he’ll just say he will. Like he always has. Unless of course, someone finally holds him accountable.

Stay tuned for 2006, kids. The end is only beginning.

Regardless of where you lie politically, you can’t really argue the fact that the White House’s invasion of Iraq has been waning in popularity. I know, I know: it wasn’t an invasion, it was a liberation – just like when the Germans liberated Poland from their, um… well it was a Polish government, and how much worse can that get? My point is, you can point fingers at all kinds of “reasons” for this decline in approval, but those “reasons” are really just superficial fluff that clouds the mind of logic. Does it really matter that there are no weapons of mass destruction? Does it really matter that we summarily stampeded into a country and executed the leaders’ relatives who held political office? Would anyone really care or mind (especially us Floridians) if someone did that to our leader’s relatives who hold political office?

No. The problem the White House really has, is they can’t and don’t sell. Say what you want about our last commander in chief, but he could sell you a pile of bat guano like it was chocolate mousse, and by the time he was done, you’d be asking for seconds and paying him $20 an hour just to remind you why you like it so much. But W… sigh. Finesse is one thing, but somehow I just get the impression he doesn’t care what I think.

Example: this guy was so concerned about his popularity after he got elected, did he actually try to convince us to like him? No. He handled it like a frat boy and paid everyone $300. (Betcha forgot about that one, didn’t you? You liked him a whole lot. Admit it, you thought he was the coolest – at least for that second when you were at the liquor store with a $300 federally endorsed check.) Now, I bet he wishes he had another $300 per citizen.

Another example: the Kyoto treaty. Historically, I think the last person who cumatively pissed off that many people in both his own country and around the world in one hour was Joe Stalin. Dude, even Nixon had more couth.

And, just for kicks, let’s also mention these weapons of mass destruction, which are apparently as elusive as they are dangerous. “Hey, wasn’t there an ICBM there a second ago? Dammit, I swear I just saw it. Now I’ll never find it again.” The only thing more hidden than these weapons are the evidence that they were ever there to begin with, perhaps the greatest White House mystery since Dick Cheney’s Energy Commission attendance sheets. Hmm… coincidence?

So, what I recommend to the White House is some quality control on the crap they give us. Don’t get me wrong – this White House has gone above and beyond in creating and dispensing quantity. If you could put a price per pound on it, there’d be enough to pay off this whole invasion plus the debt that we’ve run into since the last election. But I demand a little quality dammit. At least make me think that’s you’re spitting on your fist. I’ll even start the ball rolling.

Shock and awe.

This was a great idea, for about 38 seconds, and then the White House blew a great opportunity.

“Mr. President, what is your strategy–”
“Shock and awe!”
“But how are you going to get Mr. Hussein–”
“Shock and awe!”
“General, do you have any–”
“Shock and awe!”
“Mr. Attorney Gen–“
“SHOCK AND AWE MOTHERFUCKER!”

Okay, so it sounded cool. Problem was, you couldn’t use it in a sentence. The Associated Press was not going to say, “The 101st attacked them with shock and awe.” It’s clunky. “Awe” can be changed to awesome, but that’s not quite the tone you want to set. And what do you do with “shock”? Shock-filled, full of shock, shocking? Nope doesn’t do it for me, and I’ll bet the White House (led by possibly the most unqualified wordsmith in history) found that out, too. Here’s what they should have done: shockandawlicious.

“Mr. President, can you describe the 101st’s complete annihilation of a mosque today?”
“It was shockandawlicious.”

“Today, the Marines shockandawliciously burnt a whole village full of suspected terrorists.”

Granted, the time has passed to play the shockandawlicious card. But perhaps if the White House spent a little more time actually trying to sell it’s unbelievably stupid actions, then maybe we the people would be a little more behind the liberation of this axis of evil.